Thirty six years ago, in 1974, I made a difficult choice. Although I presumed having and raising children should be my biological destiny, I didn't embrace the difficult work of that lifestyle. I appeared on "60 Minutes" where I announced I would remain childfree. The next day I lost my job as a passionate, devoted teacher. My life was threatened. My dog's life was threatened. I became aware of the pressure called pronatalism to become a mother. People picketed the places where I was asked to speak holding signs that read,"Selfish Woman" One angry women screamed "It's all well and good now. How will you feel when you're old, alone and missing chocolate kisses from your grandkids?"
I'm now writing a memoir reflecting my responses to that admonition. I'm also searching for others who made this choice to see if they missed those chocolate kisses.
Congrats! I'm so proud of you and the strength it took to make this choice. I know you've taken lot's of s__t from people on this, but I can tell you that with my own family relationships, I will never have "chocolate kisses from your grandkids", even though I have two. There are no guarantees.
ReplyDeleteGreat Love & Support, Jim
Wonderful blog! I have a child. I love him, but it wasn't by choice, at the time. He and his partner have chosen to remain childless. There "kids" are cats and a dog. My son, Jeremy is 47 and his partner, Deborah, is eighteen months older. They have been together for more than twenty years now. They do not regret their decision at all. I am very supportive of people who have decided to live without procreating. Back in the 60's in Cambridge the movement was called Zero population. It has grown tremendously, I think. I endorse it, and would probably have remained childless had it not been thrust upon me at the time. I have many, many, many childless friends who are loving, successful and have no regrets. Many of them love and care for children in their careers and in their social lives, as well. It's a shame that there are stigmas in remaining childless! Can't wait to get your book!
ReplyDeleteI guess I've been lucky. I've never felt denigrated for my decision not to have kids. The worst comment I've ever gotten about it was from a doctor who asked me if I knew that by not having kids I was increasing my risk of breast cancer. I found that annoying but it wasn't really an overt attack on the validity of my choice. It's one I've never regretted and I am always thankful that I had sense enough to buck what was even my own teenage assumption that I (like all women) would have children. Some may call it a selfish decision but my observation and personal experience is that children pay a high price when their parents are not physically and emotionally healthy and happy. There's no licensing, training or minimum qualifications to take on one of the most difficult jobs in the world. It's really a shame that more people don't take the time to understand the demands of parenthood and objectively evaluate their own ability to meet those demands. Perhaps a lot of world-wide suffering could be avoided if parenthood was viewed as a choice and a commitment instead of a biological imperative and/or human right.
ReplyDeleteI'm 24 years old, and i'm reflected at some point in your words... At this moment i have clear that i don't want to have kids. Of course i got all kind of responses... anyone seems to be really supportive but angry and like laughing about me? like saying :"U are too young and that's why u say it, but u HAVE to be mom..." I think, being a mom is an amazing thing, full of responsability and love, but also is a choice.... that is the part of the story that nobody tells us. And i don't like the fact that people want us to believe is an "instict" when is clear we learn it in relation with our experiences in our cultures seing our own grandmas, moms, aunts, cousins, friends and others in that role tha show us how to BE one, and also we LEARN the desire of be a MOM... i'm not saying we are mean people... but i'm saying we are every minute of our lifes learning How to feel about the different situations we face every day. Think for a second if is true when we say "i'm free and i do what my individualism tells me", so ask yourself, specially women, why we dream about so many things, at the same time, and cry over and over about the same "lies"... Just to finish,, i need to say im thankful with the mom life gave me... she wanted to have me and she did, she loves me, she teaxh me love, and she is the best for me, but also i have to say... we are thw owners of our bodies and being a mom is not just somethign we have to do because Society says... we have to be mom planning the parenthood with our partners and enjoy our decisions. Love and respect for all the moms and for the ones decided to enjoy being woman in the different others ways we are affraid to discover! :D
ReplyDeleteA womans choice to procreate is exactly that a womans choice. I am a 44 year old male who does not have any children of my own but does enjoy having 3 nieces and 3 nephews. I am glad that both of my siblings, 1 male the other female, decided to have children but if they had decided not to have children I would think nothing more or less of them.
ReplyDeleteThe BS you experienced in the past is a reflection of peoples ignorance.
I applaud you in speaking out then and now and wish you great success with the book. Promise me a signed copy. K/NY
I wonder if there are any parents out there who would step up to the plate and admit they may have made a wrong choice, or were ill-equiped to raise a child.? Usually, they will say, "I love my kids.......but".
ReplyDeleteWe need to hear what those "buts" are. To be a parent is an amazing job. To be a parent knowing what's to be expected, is rare.Honesty is not welcomed if there are negatives.Yet, doesn't any job have negatives? We also need to read the joys of the childfree lifestyle. It's not just about hedonistic pleasures. It's a viable, richly fulfilling lifetsyle.
I do NOT think it's instinctive to want to have and/or raise children. I believe it's more nurture, than nature. Of course, I'm NOT saying we all should stop that! Procreation is the way to continue the human race. I wish raising children was a specialized career with training.For those who don't choose that career, I wish they were given the same respect as if they didn't choose being a doctor, lawyer or teacher.
ReplyDeleteHas anyone who has never had children of their own.... experienced reality in raising children through stepparenting?
ReplyDeleteI had children and am happy I did, but I also believe that it should always be a choice and never an obligation as to wether we have children or not. Of my three chi
ReplyDeleteldren, only one has choosen to become a parent. Life is too short to do what society deems acceptable.
Live your life for yourself and in doing so create a better world for us all.
We are all one, after all, and what one does effects each of us. When we live our life from love, especially for self, we go a long way in creating a peaceful world.